Foul Fowl Foolery

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
fear."

Lion says:"If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me"

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet sh1ts
itself"

Valley of the Dolls

So I'm flipping channels on tv, looking for something to watch, because you know, when you have 2000 channels, it's even more difficult to find a good something on tv. Suddenly, as I'm flipping past HBO, my attention is caught because I SWEAR I just saw a completely full frontal naked man! Now this never happens. The censors don't seem to have a problem showing full frontal nudity on women, but not men.

Of course I flipped back.

It turns out the show was "Real Sex" and the fully naked man was a mannequin.

But it gets better.

This was an anatomically correct, solid silicone sex doll created for women. At this point I was laughing so hard I'm surprised I didn't wake the house. The next little bit almost sent me over the edge: it seems that the man who created this doll is working on an "ejaculating" prototype so it can be a realistic as possible. This guy got his start creating special effects in Hollywood, and his goal is realism. I'm pretty sure he's about there.

Sure, but is there REALLY a market for this? I would send you the link to the site so you can see for yourself, but I think it's blocked by blogger because of explicit pictures of silicon creations, so instead I'll describe the photos for you:

The first photo shows a very realistic man lounging on the couch with one hand in his waistband, in the classic Al Bundy pose.

The next photo shows him still sitting on the couch, eyes glazed and dull, mouth hanging open slackly and tongue slightly protruding.

The photo after this now shows him holding a beer and a remote, still sitting on the couch.

(I don't know about you, but I'm really getting turned on now!)

Next picture, he is sitting in a bubble bath, which is very realistic, because every man I know takes bubble baths.

There are other photos, too, but these were the ones to decide me. And now you have to decide, because girls, for the low, low price of only $6,995.00 you too can have an anatomically correct male dead-weight who can sit on the couch, mouth hanging open, a beer in one hand and the remote in the other.

Every woman's dream!

Hypochondriacs and a good pizza

I am a hypochondriac.

I would never have made it through med school had I ever aspired, simply because I would have had every symptom and wasted away of my many ails, in finest Camille fashion, well before graduation.

Today I went to play my first ever game of laser tag. Wow! I'm hooked.

Tonight I'm having symptoms that are sure to be DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) and I'm going to die of an aneurism in my sleep, or in three days, as that unfortunate reporter did when traveling with the troops in Iraq.

If that happens, Peekay, you grab my computers and destroy EVERYTHING incriminating! Actually, just destroy everything anyway, incriminating or not. I don't want any posthumous publications, thank you. Heck, if I can't get published while I'm living then I don't want it to happen when I'm not here to enjoy my fame. That would be like winning the lottery and dying before you can claim it, like poor Ned in "Waking Ned Devine" ... that makes TWO obscure movies in one blahg! I am the original, walking talking IMDB! Watch out, Kevin Bacon, I got your Seven Levels right here, baby! ;D

So, back to my presumed death and what to do about me: We should talk tombstones. Every good hypochrondriac knows what they want theirs to say. Mine might say "The calla lilies are in bloom again..." to honor my bad Greta Garbo impressions, dying young and tragically and of course, my love of calla lilies, but what I REALLY want on my tombstone are some anchovies, black olives, mushrooms and tomatoes, please. ;D

Julie Andrew's Boobs

Peekay actually had hits on her site not long ago by someone who had searched for Julie Andrews' boobs. I ask you, what the hell kind of perverts are out there surfing?

When I stopped laughing and was able to clear the tears from my eyes, I began searching her site for the reference to Julie Andrews' boobs that brought the closet cross-dresser to Peekay's site. When I realized what I was doing, I laughed even harder, because if the person who originally searched it is a closet cross-dresser, what does that make me? Curious about Peekay's fascination with Julie Andrews' mammary glands!

My Favorite Balls

I did some job-related soul searching yesterday, trying to decide the questions that everyone asks: What am I looking for? I'm not sure ... For someone to adopt me, take me under the corporate wing, realize I'm a treasure and keep me happy until I win the big lottery and can retire! :D Speaking of the big lottery, I'm sure you heard about this, because you'd have to be dead not to, but the drawing for the HUGE powerball lottery was last night. What exactly classifies as HUGE, you ask? $365 million. Odds of winning were 1 in 146.1 million.

Well, someone beat the damn odds.

One person.

ONE PERSON WON ALL THAT MONEY!

What fun, what fun, what FUN!

I'm so jealous! My favorite recurring dream is winning the lottery and then splitting it between my family and close friends. I've had this dream at least five times and when I do, I don't want to wake up! This dream has spawned one of my all time intriguing questions to ask: What would YOU do if you won that much money, more money than one person could ever spend in a lifetime? I think I've asked about 40 people now. The answers I get are diverse and surprising. You should ask people you know ... the answer given tells you a lot about that person.

The more I talk about this the more damn jealous I get, because I want to be the one trying to figure out how much money that is in a lump sum payout, and then bring my five dreams into reality! :)

A name change might be in order...

I don't want anyone to think that I'm related to the idiot lawyer who sent the email heard round the world, now infamously titled the "bla bla bla email" so I'm thinking of changing my blahg name. Any suggestions?

BTW, in case you don't know what I'm talking about click the link above or read below for the exerpts:

The 'Bla Bla Bla' Heard 'Round the World

Feb. 18, 2006 — Two weeks ago, newly minted young Boston attorney Dianna Abdala e-mailed a prospective employer, William Korman.

"The pay you are offering would neither fulfill me nor support the lifestyle I am living," she wrote, turning down his job offer.

Korman was not happy.

"You had two interviews, were offered and accepted the job (indeed, you had a definite start date)."

He'd already ordered her stationery and business cards, and set up her office computer and was amazed she conveyed her second thoughts by e-mail.

"It smacks of immaturity and is quite unprofessional," he wrote.

Abdala's response? "A real lawyer would have put the contract into writing and not exercised any such reliance until he did so," she wrote.

"This is a very small legal community," Korman responded. "Do you really want to start pissing off more experienced lawyers at this early stage of your career?"

Abdala finally answered, "Bla bla bla."

An ordinary office spat? Nope. Korman forwarded the exchange to a friend … and it spread throughout the Boston legal community — and then to the Boston Globe, to the International Herald Tribune, to ABC News' "Nightline."

National Pleasure?

I was just watching National Treasure, a Disney classic (if you haven't seen it, you should. Especially after you hear what I'm about to share with you) when I noticed something odd.

I've seen this movie several times now, and pretty much had it running for background noise and occasional watching as I was working on my computer. I happened to be watching during the scene where Nicholas Cage's character is mixing a chemical that is visible under black light. To test the viability, he coats his fingers and then draws a smiley face on the table. He then pulls out his pen size black light and shines it at the table, where the smiley face is immediately visible.

Today I noticed something about that smiley though.

In true impish Disney fashion, they snuck a phallic symbol in under the noses of the viewing public. The smiling mouth is actually a penis. Yes, you heard me right. Go to your DVD collection, pop in National Treasure and skip to that scene.

You will never look at a smiley face the same way ever again. ;D

The Waiting Game

I have now been gainfully unemployed for almost five months and do you know what I've discovered?

1. I CAN'T live on $300 a week, and I don't know how people do it, when they are making minimum wage and getting this amount as their regular take home pay. EEEK!

2. I think I'd like to go back to the old days when rejection was immediate and immediately delivered to your face.

In today's world, people hide behind their computers and email. Companies screen themselves from any contact with interested (and sometimes desperate) jobseekers. When you contact a company regarding potential employment, odds are extemely high that you will never hear anything from them in response. The excuse given for such arrogant behavior? None. Several companies post disclaimers such as "We receive too many resumes to respond to any but those most qualified" which is at least something, so you know going in that you probably won't hear from anyone. They've already said so.

However, the worst offenders are the ones that invite you in to interview, express great interest in your skills, your availability, your needs, even taking you on a tour of the building, making you think you are a shoe-in ... only to disappear into the black hole, never to be heard from again.

I think I'd much prefer the face to face rejection given in days gone by.

"I'm looking for a job, I don't have experience working as a soda jerk, but I'm eager to learn!"

"Sorry, young miss, but that's a job for a young man. Good luck to you now."

Of course, discriminating based on sex,race, religion, etc. doesn't fly today (at least, not if it can be proved) but the face to face interaction/response is much preferred and respected by yours truly.

I can't believe how gutless people have become. Yes, rejecting someone is never easy, but that's what email is for! What a great way to be able to respond to someone so they aren't waiting and hoping fruitlessly. Takes the pressure off you, the rejector, and provides closure to the rejectee.

Hmmm. Perhaps I should write a how-to book: The Etiquette of Pre-Employment - An Instruction on the Finer Points of Hiring & Not" and then go on the road to Corporate America, playing on the fanatical anti-discrimination mindset that rules today in Human Resources of the Corporate Structures in today's America.

Either that or I'm going to become the lingerie queen on Ebay, and sell risque' bras and panties to the deserving public.

If you can't get a job one way, get creative. ;D